Boys, take the hint

Boy meets girl.  Boy falls in love.  Girl avoids eye contact and all other forms of interaction.  Classic tale, right?  Boys, if you ever find yourself in a scenario like those described below … take my advice and take the hint.  Perhaps you will recognize some of these stories, and perhaps you know that they have have a happy ending.  But remember, that’s exactly what makes them only a story in the first place.

If you lived in a post-apocalyptic era in which you were both forced to fight to the death in an arena with 22 others. If, when you declared your love for her, she shoved you into a potted plant.  If in the arena she dropped a nest of deadly hornets on your camp.  If you find out your best chance of survival is to convince the nation that you’re in love.  If either of you could LITERALLY DIE AT ANY SECOND, and she STILL has reservations about kissing you,

take the hint.

If you two were both on this huge boat about a century ago.   If said-boat suddenly hit a large body of  ice and was sinking.  If the only thing between you and your freezing cold watery graves was a wooden door you had to use to stay afloat.  If she won’t scoot over just a little bit to make room for you and save your life,

take the hint.

If you were both at a ski resort on New Year’s Eve and you think you two just made this huge connection because some random guy FORCED her to sing karaoke with you.  If the clock struck midnight.  If all of these other couples are kissing.  If she would (supposedly) never see you again.  If she makes up some lame excuse about having to “go find her mom,” this is not the start of something new.

Take the hint.

If you met her at a ball.  If you had been dancing all night.  If you think that you’re making this big connection.  If suddenly she said she had to go but didn’t really give you a clear reason why.  If when you tried to follow her, she was in so much of a hurry her (very pricey) glass shoe fell off.  If to get away from you she didn’t even stop to grab her (but seriously even though shoes were 20 percent off she still paid way too much, but it was just like they were made for her, you know?) glass shoe.  Before you even consider scouring the entire kingdom for her,

take the hint.

If you had to scale a Ferris wheel to convince her to go out with you in the first place.  If she and her family moved away 364 days ago.  If you’ve been writing her a letter a day ever since without so much as a “k” or “:)” response,

take the hint.

Boys, no means no.  Girls, you’re welcome.  Now hopefully you won’t have 10 unread messages and 16 pending Snapchats when you check your phone. Hopefully you will be able to walk down the street without constantly checking over your shoulder and hopefully there will be no more pebbles hitting your window in the dead of night.