Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I’m sorry I have taken a couple years off from writing. Maybe if you had a Twitter account or cell phone I could hit you up with my wish list. I know you are always watching, so if you do see this and have a Twitter follow me @DHS_Squaller. Okay, let’s get down to business. Most of the presents I am asking for this year are going to be pretty tough to wrap. I understand that you are a really busy man, but I would really appreciate if you could let me go out with a bang for my last Christmas living at home.

1. This year I have been in a bit of a dry spell; with New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day only a couple months away, I could use a girl. If you are as old as people say you are, then you have kept Mrs. Clause for a while. That’s impressive. Just along with this girl maybe some tips to make it last? (If you have some extra time). Of course, I don’t expect her to be wrapped, so maybe just have her slide into my DMs or something like that.

2. Next, I know I said most of it was going to be hard to wrap, but there are a couple little things I would appreciate if they had a nice bow on them. (I know the other two things that I am asking for are pretty hard, so here are some easy ideas I would love and almost expect to be under the tree when I run down stairs suited up in my onesie). The first thing is a new Mercedes. I know you have the hookup with Mercedes because you’re always in their commercials. Also I think if I walked into my backyard and there was a nice big pool and hot tub combo I would be pretty excited. Finally, the last thing I would take with a bow on it would be a cool-looking jet. I’m not too picky on how big it needs to be. Just make sure my family can fit in it comfortably. I know these are going to be easier for you to get than the other two so just help a brother out; I am only really asking for six things this year, so like, c’mon.

3. Along with everything else, could you go into my PowerSchool and just set all my midterm and final test grades to A’s. I made it through three years of midterms and final tests, so how about this year you come through with spreading some joy. I would be a whole lot more joyful if I didn’t have to take those tests.

4. Lastly, college tuition. As you know, college tuition is expensive. Scholarships help some, but if you could just pay the whole thing, that’d be great. I know this is a pretty easy one; just mail them a check for my tuition bill. You could also just drop it off in my stocking and I could take care of it too.

I know most of these are hard to gift wrap, so you don’t have to wrap them. I mean, I’m 17 now; I don’t need to unwrap them. Just put a bow on anything that you can put a bow on, and for the other stuff you can just make it happen however you want. I know the presents I am asking for are unconventional, but they didn’t make just anybody the big guy in the suit. No, they made you Santa because you get the job done. So, I’m counting on you to pull through with this one.

Yours truly,
Caden Koenig