There’s gotta be some sort of demographic out there, of unemployed Ph.Ds who aren’t quite smart enough to work on the cure for cancer, yet too smart to settle for assistant brain surgeon or something.
Instead of reading Intelligent Life or Mental Floss, maybe they should look at the inconveniences we’re dealing with as members of the middle class.
There are so many smart people out there (so I’m told). They can’t be doing anything that important to let these dark times go on for much longer.
Thank you, unemployed scientists, for waiting for my permission.
Yes, you may get started on the Enlightenment Era of the 21st century.
Look, I even made you this list of ideas so you can get started as soon as you finish reading that article on how Ununpentium, element 115, may join the periodic table.
It’s 2013 and we still can’t …
bring our phones in the shower with us
I actually have a conspiracy theory that this is possible and there are phone cases in circulation that could make our dreams come true. The only thing stopping their mass production is that our parents are keeping them off the shelves because they know their water bills will go through the roof.
Nonetheless, let’s take a minute to imagine how incredible this would be. We could listen to music, watch tv, send emails, browse twitter and pinterest, facetime. But let’s keep it clean you guys (pun intended).
warm up leftover french fries without them getting limp and soggy
On more than one occasion I’ve tried to take on this dilemma myself. I’ve sat there in front of the microwave, watching my leftover fries turn to mush, racking my brains for a better solution.
But I’m a big enough person—probably from eating all those fries—to know when to admit defeat. So I’m throwing this out there. Put it on the political agenda.
We can put in artificial hearts and send a robot to Mars for pete’s sake, we should be able to figure this out.
turn left off of Shield Rd after school
If you’re unfamiliar, or bad with street names, imagine turning right out of the school parking lot and turning right again at that 3-way stop and driving aaallllll the way down to the end zone of the football field.
Still with me? Are we all here? Yeah, we’re all here! Every. Single. School. Day. Every bus, teacher, and about half of the students.
It’s like a tailgate, except the smoke is coming from the drivers’ ears rather than the grill. I have a simple solution: install a traffic light. We’re a cityhood (or something) we need to step up our game.
discover a tactic to peel bananas without making the top all mushy
If I wanted bananasauce I would be shopping in the baby food aisle at Busch’s, thank you very much. Although, now that I think about it, I really don’t have the right to be complaining about the hassle that is peeling a banana.
I’ve developed an allergy to bananas. I’m not even kidding. If you feed me a banana, the consequences will be dire. Like, my ears get super super itchy. Nonetheless, my childhood was a pain when it came to having a complete breakfast, and banana peelage is an issue that should be addressed.
pause and rewind the radio
Do you know how many times I rewound and rewatched JT’s performance at the VMAs? Three times. If you round down.
I’m no history buff—maybe I should pick up a copy of Mental Floss—but I’m pretty sure radio has been around longer than television. It can’t be that complicated. If I want to jam to Barenaked Ladies’ One Week for the duration of the car ride, I should have that frivolity.