Freshmen, read our advice (and do the exact opposite)

Welcome, incoming freshmen.

Being seniors, we have already put in three years of hard work at Dexter High School. When we were freshmen, the seniors gave us some great advice and we are here to give you the same advice — and maybe even better.

We came up with this advice while we were giving Miley Cyrus her twerking lessons.

As soon as you walk into those front doors, you have to remember that there are a few unwritten rules that you have to follow in order to have the best experience possible. We are here to help with this because we will magically take the ‘un-’ away from these rules.

First of all, we all know that this is an extremely huge deal to you, and you are all probably scared out of your mind about everyone and everything in this monster of a school.

Well, the truth of the matter is that you should be scared. It’s not like you can go back to Mill Creek, though, so you just need to suck it up and pay attention.

You’re definitely going to want to stand up to any upperclassmen who crosses your path. This means that you should be totally willing to get in someone’s face or maybe even get in a fight–if that’s what it takes.

Another key part of this rule is that you should always try to stand right in the front and center of the student section. Us seniors will no doubt want you to stand right up there and get all the attention because we sure wouldn’t want it all for ourselves.

There are also a few events that you should be aware of. If you manage to uncover the secret dates you should definitely mark your calendars.

One event is Freshman Wedgie Day, and since we’re so generous we’ll even let you in on a preview of our newest freshman event for this year: The Freshman Games. If you’re confused just think of the Hunger Games… only a lot worse.

Continuing on, once you get to know the school as well as we do, you will find that there are a few secrets and tricks that are worth noting.

If you want to become friends with Custodian Maria, just go ahead and spill food all over the cafeteria floor, preferably applesauce or chocolate milk, and she will definitely clean it all up for you with a huge smile on her face.

As for Connie Agostini, getting on her good side is quite easy. All you have to do is steal the Gator and go for a joy ride.

When it comes to the hallway, always try to get as big of a group of friends as possible and create the biggest log jam you can. If strangers complain about it, just stare them down and don’t listen at all–they will probably end up as your friends.

The last rule of thumb is if you feel the urge to punch someone, never hesitate. Dean of students Ken Koenig loves to see that sort of feistiness and will definitely back you up–maybe he’ll even ask you to join the football team.

Well, we’ve already given away too many of our secrets. You’re going to have to figure out the rest on your own.

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