Arming teachers is not the answer to school safety

Teachers should not have the right to bear arms in school.  Guns were designed for one reason and one reason only: to kill.

Since the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in Connecticut, people have debated whether or not teachers should carry weapons to make sure something like that never happens again.

I understand the idea that if a bad person comes to the school, the teacher could shoot him or her and prevent a tragedy. However, I don’t think it’s that simple.

Even prison guards are not allowed to have guns, in case there is a riot and one of the prisoners took the gun and used it. While we don’t have a bunch of convicts in Dexter, I am certain in other areas around the country they have some kids who might find or take a teacher’s gun and use it in a bad way.

It is always a good idea to keep guns and other weapons away and out of reach from children.  I’ve heard of cases on the news where some kid finds his dad’s gun and while playing with it, accidentally pulls the trigger and shoots himself.  If we allowed teachers to bear arms, kids wouldn’t necessarily get their hands on them.  But why even take that chance?

If everyone is so uncertain of public safety in our schools, perhaps its time to invest more in school security.  And what if, instead of using guns which were designed to kill, we give the teachers Tazers or stun guns which are designed to stun instead of kill?

If we allowed teachers to carry guns that would be the most irresponsible thing we could do for school safety.  Guns and safety are two words you don’t see together often.

Freshmen, read our advice (and do the exact opposite)

Welcome, incoming freshmen.

Being seniors, we have already put in three years of hard work at Dexter High School. When we were freshmen, the seniors gave us some great advice and we are here to give you the same advice — and maybe even better.

We came up with this advice while we were giving Miley Cyrus her twerking lessons.

As soon as you walk into those front doors, you have to remember that there are a few unwritten rules that you have to follow in order to have the best experience possible. We are here to help with this because we will magically take the ‘un-’ away from these rules.

First of all, we all know that this is an extremely huge deal to you, and you are all probably scared out of your mind about everyone and everything in this monster of a school.

Well, the truth of the matter is that you should be scared. It’s not like you can go back to Mill Creek, though, so you just need to suck it up and pay attention.

You’re definitely going to want to stand up to any upperclassmen who crosses your path. This means that you should be totally willing to get in someone’s face or maybe even get in a fight–if that’s what it takes.

Another key part of this rule is that you should always try to stand right in the front and center of the student section. Us seniors will no doubt want you to stand right up there and get all the attention because we sure wouldn’t want it all for ourselves.

There are also a few events that you should be aware of. If you manage to uncover the secret dates you should definitely mark your calendars.

One event is Freshman Wedgie Day, and since we’re so generous we’ll even let you in on a preview of our newest freshman event for this year: The Freshman Games. If you’re confused just think of the Hunger Games… only a lot worse.

Continuing on, once you get to know the school as well as we do, you will find that there are a few secrets and tricks that are worth noting.

If you want to become friends with Custodian Maria, just go ahead and spill food all over the cafeteria floor, preferably applesauce or chocolate milk, and she will definitely clean it all up for you with a huge smile on her face.

As for Connie Agostini, getting on her good side is quite easy. All you have to do is steal the Gator and go for a joy ride.

When it comes to the hallway, always try to get as big of a group of friends as possible and create the biggest log jam you can. If strangers complain about it, just stare them down and don’t listen at all–they will probably end up as your friends.

The last rule of thumb is if you feel the urge to punch someone, never hesitate. Dean of students Ken Koenig loves to see that sort of feistiness and will definitely back you up–maybe he’ll even ask you to join the football team.

Well, we’ve already given away too many of our secrets. You’re going to have to figure out the rest on your own.

It's 2013 and we still can't …

There’s gotta be some sort of demographic out there, of unemployed Ph.Ds who aren’t quite smart enough to work on the cure for cancer, yet too smart to settle for assistant brain surgeon or something.

Instead of reading Intelligent Life or Mental Floss, maybe they should look at the inconveniences we’re dealing with as members of the middle class.

There are so many smart people out there (so I’m told).  They can’t be doing anything that important to let these dark times go on for much longer.

Thank you, unemployed scientists, for waiting for my permission.

Yes, you may get started on the Enlightenment Era of the 21st century.

Look, I even made you this list of ideas so you can get started as soon as you finish reading that article on how Ununpentium, element 115, may join the periodic table.

It’s 2013 and we still can’t …

bring our phones in the shower with us

I actually have a conspiracy theory that this is possible and there are phone cases in circulation that could make our dreams come true.  The only thing stopping their mass production is that our parents are keeping them off the shelves because they know their water bills will go through the roof.

Nonetheless, let’s take a minute to imagine how incredible this would be.  We could listen to music, watch tv, send emails, browse twitter and pinterest, facetime.  But let’s keep it clean you guys (pun intended).

warm up leftover french fries without them getting limp and soggy

On more than one occasion I’ve tried to take on this dilemma myself.  I’ve sat there in front of the microwave, watching my leftover fries turn to mush, racking my brains for a better solution.

But I’m a big enough person—probably from eating all those fries—to know when to admit defeat.  So I’m throwing this out there.  Put it on the political agenda.

We can put in artificial hearts and send a robot to Mars for pete’s sake, we should be able to figure this out.

turn left off of Shield Rd after school

If you’re unfamiliar, or bad with street names, imagine turning right out of the school parking lot and turning right again at that 3-way stop and driving aaallllll the way down to the end zone of the football field.

Still with me?  Are we all here? Yeah, we’re all here!  Every.  Single.  School.  Day. Every bus, teacher, and about half of the students.

It’s like a tailgate, except the smoke is coming from the drivers’ ears rather than the grill.  I have a simple solution: install a traffic light.  We’re a cityhood (or something) we need to step up our game.

discover a tactic to peel bananas without making the top all mushy

If I wanted bananasauce I would be shopping in the baby food aisle at Busch’s, thank you very much.  Although, now that I think about it, I really don’t have the right to be complaining about the hassle that is peeling a banana.

I’ve developed an allergy to bananas.  I’m not even kidding.  If you feed me a banana, the consequences will be dire.  Like, my ears get super super itchy.   Nonetheless, my childhood was a pain when it came to having a complete breakfast, and banana peelage is an issue that should be addressed.

pause and rewind the radio

Do you know how many times I rewound and rewatched JT’s performance at the VMAs?  Three times.  If you round down.

I’m no history buff—maybe I should pick up a copy of Mental Floss—but I’m pretty sure radio has been around longer than television.  It can’t be that complicated.  If I want to jam to Barenaked Ladies’ One Week for the duration of the car ride, I should have that frivolity.