Santa is not the real spirit of the season

Disclaimer: If you are under the age of 12, please do NOT read this.

I ran downstairs on Christmas morning, seeing presents under the tree and filled stockings.  I frantically searched for the magical present that would be all mine, the one that would say those glorious words: “To Noah, From Santa.”

But once I found it and began to open it, I realized what it was. What it had to be. Clothes.

What 12-year old wants clothes for Christmas?  I looked closer at the handwriting on the tag.

Suddenly, it dawned on me.

It was the exact same handwriting as my mother’s.  I looked up at her suspiciously, and at that moment, she knew I was getting closer to revealing the secret all parents try to keep from their children as long as possible.

“Noah, we need to talk,” my mom said.

“No. If this is about the birds and the bees again, I don’t need to know anymore.”

But then she broke the news to me, and it all made sense.

How can a fat man travel around the entire world in one night? How could reindeer carry that fat man all night, let alone fly? And how could that fat man, the fat man that so many continue to believe in, fit down a chimney without getting stuck?

Let’s say Santa is 6 feet tall, even though people who live in colder climates are usually a couple inches shorter. There are 6 billion people in the world.  No man on this planet could ever consume that many cookies in a lifetime, no matter how big and tall he is. But somehow Santa does it in one night.

So why do parents continue telling lie after lie to children, making them believe in Santa Claus? Shouldn’t we avoid lying to kids? If we keep this big of a lie going for so many years, all we’re doing is setting a bad example. We’re saying that lying is OK.

I’m not saying that we should end all the usual Christmas activities like getting a tree, making egg nog and trying to lure that one girl, who we all know is way out of my league, under the mistletoe.

But we can get in the holiday spirit without the big man in a red jumpsuit. I’m perplexed about why he’s even relevant to the season.

So when should we stop believing in Santa? The answer to that is that we should never have believed in him in first place.   I’m sorry, faithful parents and children, I just want to stop the heart-breaking moments children have when they find out there is no Santa Claus.

Running downstairs with the same Christmas spirit is not affected by knowing that the tags on the presents say “From, Mom and Dad.”

Prom's moves to Michigan Stadium is a step in the right direction

The Dexter prom experience in the past has been all about games and karaoke and no dancing.  Dexter’s prom is not comparable to the traditional prom.  We have cared more about how the “dance floor” has looked like than the dance itself–If you can even call it a dance.

However, this year, the Dexter High School made a step in right direction.  We are having our prom at the Michigan football stadium, which is awesome compared to all of the previous years.

Previously, Dexter’s prom has worked like this: first you buy tickets for you and your date for seventy dollars.  Next, you rent a $200 tux.  Then you take your date out to a fancy restaurant that costs way too much money.  Then you and your date go to the prom.

This process for prom night is normal.  However, Dexter’s prom differs from the norm.  Instead of keeping the night classy and going to the dance at a specific venue, we go back to our school, where we play games like putt-putt golf and card games.  Most of our prom is spent walking around and waiting in lines for our favorite games.  And in my opinion prom was a huge waste of money, to dress up and play games.

Finally, Dexters prom will be like other schools prom, where it will actually be a dance instead of like a “carnival”.  I definitely support the change in venue as well as the change in prom style.

Expensive gifts may be the way to go

Gift giving between significant others during the holidays is more complex than you would imagine.

Being a guy, I realize that the gift most men would love more than anything is the gift of not having to buy a gift.  But that just won’t happen.

So, guys, maybe think of these things when buying a gift for your special significant other.

Don’t do the following: buy a gift that you want more. In other words, don’t get your significant other Grand Theft Auto. Don’t get them something from the dollar store.  You might enjoy buying something cheap, but I guarantee they won’t like it.

Do the following: What you really want to do is listen and hear what they actually want and then buy the knockoffs because the real deal is probably too expensive.

For example if they wants Uggs, buy Fugs which will still tell her that you care as well as save you a ton of money.

Candy might be a great gift for an anniversary or Valentine’s Day, but on a holiday like Christmas it’s not that great of a gift.

As much as I hate to say it, an expensive gift is the way to go for the holidays.  It shows that you care. And if your gift is better/ more expensive than your significant others, it makes them feel bad.

Also if you don’t know exactly what your significant other wants or you just weren’t listening when they said it, you can never fail with good old fashion jewelry.

At the end of the day, something that comes from deep in the heart and even deeper in the wallet shall set you free from gift giving worries.

Holiday meals can be a huge health problem

Families gather. Sleigh bells ring. Chestnuts roast over open fires.  But is there something not-so jolly about this holiday season? How about the excessive eating habit that is somehow always associated with this time of year?

The excessive overindulgence is even pictured in the symbolic images of the holidays we celebrate this time of year: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and every other religious holidays. 

For Halloween the tradition is to go from house to house with the purpose of  acquiring as much candy as possible.

For Thanksgiving, we celebrate by literally eating a ton of food, (stuffing, ham, pumpkin pies) and at the end we eat a giant turkey. Also for the whole following week after Thanksgiving, Americans stuff their faces with leftovers.

For Christmas we celebrate “Santa Claus,” a fat dude who brings gifts through the chimney.  In return we feed him cookies and milk.

Sure, the holiday season is fun, but it can be dangerous to your health and is a huge cause of obesity for common Americans trying to get in the holiday mood.

Find it in your heart to love Miley like I do

I was in bed, eating my peanut butter Pop Tart and a glass of cold milk when I checked my Twitter feed late on Aug. 25.

And then I saw them. Tweets that I couldn’t handle. Everybody hatin’ on Miley.

“LOL WTF MILEY WTF.”

“Ew Miley WTF.”

“Miley you have no booty WTF ew.”

Well you know what? I don’t hate Miley. Miley may be on a bit of a roller coaster at the moment but she’s fantastic. So stop hating.

I’ve loved Miley since her first season of “Hannah Montana,” and I’ll love her until the last season of “Real Housewives of LA” or whatever trashy reality show she ends up on at the end of her career.

Miley first was put on the map with Disney Channel’s, “Hannah Montana” which happens to be one of the best TV shows ever.

The show brought me laughs and pure joy as a young girl lived a double life that I  could only dream of, just trying to make the best of both worlds. Hannah Montana/Miley Stewart taught us that we can be whoever we want to be with songs like “Who Says,” “Rockstar,” “I Got Nerve” and “Life’s What you Make It.”

Once Miley was done with Disney Channel, I was crushed. But then there was a sign of hope. Miley starred in my favorite chick flick ever and started her new music career with a bang. “Party in the U.S.A.” quickly made its way onto my MP3 device, where it stayed on its own playlist for weeks. I repetitively listened to “Party in the U.S.A.” until I had it memorized both forward and backward.

With genius lyrics such as, “I put my hands up, they’re playin’ my song, the butterflies fly away. I’m noddin’ my head like Yeah! Movin’ my hips like Yeah!” this song was easy to love, sing along to and get super pumped up with. In fact, I usually listen to “Party in the U.S.A.” before all of my golf matches to pump up in preparation for some stern competition.

Yes, recently, Miley has taken a rather eccentric, unhinged path as she decided to cut her hair short and dye it blonde. Yes, this is different, a bit erratic, but it’s no reason to hateS.

Miley is doing something we like to call in the celebrity business “a publicity stunt.” She is gaining unheard of attention in order to promote her new album “Bangerz” featuring amazing songs like “We Can’t Stop” and “Wrecking Ball.” She began a consistent streak of twerking whether it be in music videos or on Robin Thicke on stage at the MTV Video Music Awards.

Miley is attracting public attention and many haters in the process. But I’m here to tell you haters to stop being so jealous. Miley is making millions off every weird thing she does. When you twerk, you can’t even make a dime.

Miley is amazing. She’s already been Hannah Montana and the new Miley Cyrus we see today. I’m here to ask you to find it in your heart to love Miley and remember that no matter how angry she makes you, love her.

She’s forever my girl.

Halloween change isn't all good

During my childhood I looked forward to dressing up like my favorite movie character and walking around my neighborhood in search of delicious treats.  Halloween in the past, though spooky, was a holiday of pure intentions.  Trick or treating and apple bobbing offered fun for the whole family.  In the past few years however, something has begun to happen, and not necessarily in a positive way.

Oct. 31: the day is here.  Teenage girls everywhere begin to emerge from the depths of their Justin Bieber-plastered bedrooms. They are dressed up like sexual versions of their future profession.  We have naughty nurses, doctors, teachers and somehow slutty cats.

The whole idea of Halloween has changed completely from age 5 to 16.  If these 5-year-old Trick-or-Treaters could see how they would be spending their Halloween 10 years in the future, they would be ashamed.

Not only does the clothing attire change, but the style of Halloween changes.  The celebration of Halloween goes from having the urge to acquire candy and Trick-or-Treat, to now where Halloween is where teens have the urge to party and be reckless. I’m not saying this is a bad thing though.  Things change it’s just how the world is.

But wouldn’t it be better if instead of parting on Halloween, 16 year olds went out dressed up like dinosaurs and pumpkins and Trick-or-Treated? Maybe not. But the idea that costumes have to be slutty and Halloween has to be about partying makes me sad.

Our top 10 Halloween costumes of 2013

10. Thor.

I had to include at least one superhero on this list, and this Avenger, Thor, gets more popular by the minute, especially with the release of Thor 2 on Oct. 30. The Thor costume, with the signature armour, red cape and hammer, can be found on almost every Halloween costume site and will be very popular with the trick or treaters.

9. Duck Dynasty.

Now, I don’t watch “Duck Dynasty,” but I’m familiar enough with social media to know that it’s one of the hottest TV shows around. If I had to assume, there’s a lot of duck hunting involved. Regardless, the guys on this show look hilarious, and you can look like them too. Just find a costume with a big fluffy beard, an American flag bandana to go around your head, some camouflage,  and maybe a nice mallard to walk around with, and you’ll be sporting one of the most popular costumes of the year.

8. Blake Henderson.

Blake Henderson from “Workaholics” is a crazy character to say the least. “Workaholics” is one of the funniest TV shows aroudn, and Blake Anderson is at the center of the comedy with his two friends. Blake is known for his wildly outlandish ideas and actions and his just-as-insane hair that flops around everywhere. Grab some weird hair curlers or a wig and a loose button down shirt and a weird tie. Or, a bear suit.

7. Dwight Schrute.

Well, I’m biased because “The Office” is the best TV show ever, but Dwight Schrute has a distinct character and style that all should be able to accomplish. Grab your giant glasses as seen in the photo, your short sleeve mustard button dow, and a nice calculator watch and you are good to go. In addition, a can of beets would show some true flavor.

6. Despicable Me Minion.

“Despicable Me 2” hit the box offices this year and is one of the best animated films of all time. What’s not to love when weird, yellow, jelly bean-shaped people walk around talking gibberish and making funny noises. (I hope you’ve seen “Despicable Me” because otherwise that just sounded horrifying.) If you have the skills, this costume is especially funny to the younger crowd. You can either buy one or make your own using yellow paint, blue overalls and goggles.

5. Ron Burgundy.

With the release of “Anchorman 2” just around the corner, Ron Burgundy is a great costume. One of the funniest characters of all time, Ron Burgundy is famous for being San Diego’s best anchorman. Anchorman is an absolutely hilarious comedy, and if you haven’t seen it, I would pick up  a copy at your local movie store and watch it before the second Anchorman comes out in December. For this costume you will need a comb and some hair spray so that you can hold that beautiful Ron Burgundy hair-do. You will also need a red suit and white penny loafers or boat shoes to complete this costume. Oh, and don’t forget that amazing mustache.

4. Miley Cyrus.

By far one of the most talked-about people in America right now, Miley has gone off on a bit of a tangent since her breakup with Liam Hemsworth. She cut her hair short, dyed it blonde, made new music and went on a twerking rampage.

This costume isn’t too difficult if you’re dedicated. Cut your hair short, dye it blonde, wear something tight, go on a twerking rampage, and you’re Miley Cyrus. Also, if you’re feeling adventurous, grab a Wrecking Ball or a sledge hammer. That’s all I can advise, but if you watch the Wrecking Ball video, you’ll know what I mean.

3. Ancient Aliens Guy from History Channel.

Maybe you’ve seen his television show on the History Channel, or even his signature meme on the Internet, but Giorgio A. Tsoukalos may be the funniest looking dude ever. And I’m not trying to be mean, he owns it with his wildly crazy hair and even crazier theories. Find a way to make your hair like his and you have a great costume. Maybe also walk around with signs that read, “Aliens Are Real,” or “Aliens Forever.”

2. Breaking Bad Costume.

“Breaking Bad,” the five-season thriller TV show, ended on Sept. 29. The series finale hit a whopping 10.3 million viewers. It was one of the most talked-about topics in America as cancer-diagnosed chemistry teacher, Walter White, set out with a former student to make and sell Crystal Meth in order to provide for his family before he died. A very popular costume this year will be from “Breaking Bad” as one can get a yellow hazmat suit, a plastic gas mask and blue gloves in order to look just like Walter White cooking meth. You could also go the extra mile and grow a goatee and shave your head while wearing a fedora to look like Heisenberg, Walter White’s alter ego, drug-dealing self.

1. Zombie from “The Walking Dead”.

I’m not into “The Walking Dead.” But it’s one of the most popular TV shows running. In the show, small town sheriff’s deputy, Rick Grimes, awakens from a coma to all of a sudden live in apost-apocalyptic world dominated by flesh-eating zombies. Zombie’s are undoubtedly going to be one of the most popular costumes this year, as they are every year, but even more so because of this television program. Grab some terrible clothes, rip them and either be really really good with makeup and paint or find a mask out there. Then walk around as if you’re going to eat a person. (I tried to think of an example but there just are not any). So get out there zombie and make that apocalypse happen.

Everyone should stand and say the Pledge

Before starting this column, we would first like to recite the Pledge of Allegiance to demonstrate our formal appreciation toward this beautiful fatherland that we call home.

Gentlemen, please remove your caps. Ladies, please pay attention for the time being.

“I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

It’s only 31 words, not a problem. But getting students to actually say the Pledge of Allegiance, now that the state requires the school to give us time to do so, is a problem. The vast majority of students and teachers aren’t taking advantage of the time given to us to say these 31 important words. And we have a problem with that.

In the United States, people hold many opinions and views across many different spectrums. Everybody has a voice in government, and we all are given our rights and protections in the Constitution. And we should honor these rights and protections by showing respect to our flag and saying the Pledge every morning.

Every student and teacher should carry core values and traits that mirror respect. Saying the Pledge shows that we are thankful for the men and women in our military who fight to keep terrorists out of our country. As we sit in our cushy school, what does it hurt to stand up and recite the Pledge?

However, it seems that in most classrooms it is uncomfortable to say the Pledge because it’s not the norm to do so. This discourages many people who want to participate, including ourselves. It’s almost as if you’re judged by your classmates for reciting the Pledge.

If we’re going to be given the opportunity to stand up in front of the flag and recite the Pledge, all of us should stand as a united front and participate. And while the law doesn’t require it, if there’s no enforcement by teachers and staff, then it’s practically a waste of an opportunity.

In fact, there was one significant bugaboo with student participation in the rehearsal of the Pledge of Allegiance on the first day of school.

It was made apparent on this day by faculty and staff that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance was optional and the student’s choice.

While this is what the law says, why wasn’t there as much emphasis on the fortuity of reciting the Pledge? Why didn’t the teaching staff point out that saying the Pledge is a grand opportunity to demonstrate on a daily basis your adoration of the nation you live in? What type of message is it sending if even our own teachers aren’t reciting the Pledge of Allegiance?

The Pledge of Allegiance should be recited daily by all students. It makes teenagers look bad if only a handful of students are participating.

Either all of us should stand together or none of us should stand. Let’s all join along with Principal Kit Moran’s golden pipes, link together and may God bless America accordingly.

You know what's awkward? The middle urinal

The middle urinal is so awkward.

Ever since childhood, it has been an unspoken law not to go in the middle urinal. Even if someone is in dire pain, most of the time he will wait, shaking in unspoken agony instead of going to the middle.

Every once in a while, while I’m in the bathroom either to the left or the right urinal, some weird freshman walks in and doesn’t know the unspoken law of the middle urinal.

When I’m finished and zipped up, I generally turn around with much anger and say, “Gosh how rude.”

It’s honestly really funny how some days I will go to the bathroom after lunch by the library and there will be a huge, backed-up line for the urinal. And when I finally get to the front, I realize this whole time no one was using two of the bathrooms because in those bathrooms there are two middle urinals instead of one.

Out of all the times I have gone to the bathroom since I have been in high school I have only witnessed three times where a kid has used the middle, and to be honest it freaked me out a little bit. I wasn’t prepared to go to the bathroom so close to another human being.

If you don’t know the unspoken law known by all men: don’t be that guy who goes in the middle.

School lunch actually makes me sick of pizza

School lunches are the worst.  My first year I loved the variety that they had and how they changed it up every day.

However, by senior year, I am completely sick of the food that I have pretty much eaten every day for four years.

My freshman year I loved the cookies, but now they seem like greasy, disgusting, undercooked pieces of fat that taste delicious. I am disgusted by them, but I continue to eat at least one every two weeks.  And I don’t understand why.

Also I don’t understand why Classic Pizza is offered four days a week.  Tuesday they’re fresh.  Wednesday they’re leftovers. Thursday they’re fresh.  And Friday they’re leftovers.

I don’t even enjoy pizza anymore.  The cafeteria has completely ruined pizza for me.

I also don’t understand why lunch is so expensive.  On Tuesday if I was to buy two pieces of pizza and an Arnold Palmer, that would be $6.  That’s ridiculous,  considering the school probably pays about $5 for an entire pizza, which is 12 pieces.  They are making an absurd amount of profit for every pizza bought.

School lunches are bad quality and overpriced.  I don’t understand why some kids would rather pay for overpriced garbage than just bring a lunch from home.  A lunch from home is healthier, cheaper and honestly better tasting.